So here we find ourselves, house hunting. If only it were as easy as traipsing through the wet heather at dawn with a stiff whiskey warming you from the inside, sending your damp, smiling Springer Spaniel off and then firing a gun into the sky and feeling somewhat relieved that you managed to miss actually hitting anything as you don't eat meat anyway.
No, it is far, far worse. It is cold and barren path we tread, aided only by real estate agents. Ahhhh, see, now that's your first mistake - real estate agents don't help you, silly, they are there to suck the life essence out of your still warm body. Honestly, if one more real estate agent tells me that the turquoise "feature wall" really "lifts the room", I will not be held accountable for my actions. So far we have seen hideous, hideous, filthy, hideous and "oh my god, does this house not include a garden?".
At first I thought house hunting merely horrible, not actually hellish as such. But it turns out that Dante knew what he was talking about. The entire process of house hunting is so closely aligned to the eight circles of hell that it can't be a coincidence. Dante must have been looking for a house to buy - he must have written The Divine Comedy between open houses and inspections.
- Apply for finance and then wait, and wait, and wait.
- Try to find a house that you love (or at the very least, don't despise).
- Realise that the house you don't hate, is listed at an unrealistic price and backs onto the motorway.
4. Concern for material goods
- Reassure yourself that you don't want a palatial, nine bedroom monstrosity, all you want is a house you don't hate - is that too much to ask?
- Begin to feel wrathful with the world at the injustice of real estate pricing, and the rarity that is the walk-in-robe.
- Realise that there is no higher power - how can such wrongs bring no fire and brimstone from the heavens?
- Feel yourself becoming violent at the mere mention of real estate agents.
- Accept that all you are told is untrue.
Obviously I accept that my eight point summary of the circles of hell is somewhat rudimentary, but the preliminary findings are encouraging.